Author: Kristen C. Dew, LMFT

By Jasmine M. McLean, LCSW

            One day, seemingly out of the blue, your partner mentions that you have not had sex in a while. You might think they have it wrong because you feel like you and your partner recently had sex. As you get ready for the day, driving to the grocery store between work meetings or maybe while shopping, you try to remember the last time you and your partner had sex. You realize that maybe you can’t remember the last time. You might even realize that you don’t remember the last time you had an interest in sex. You also realize that your partner’s interest in sex has not seemed to change, in fact in some cases, your partner’s interest in sex may have even increased.

This happens to many of us at various points of our life. It can be caused by any number of factors such as stress, or a recent life change such as the addition of another person into your family or a recent loss of a loved one, or changes in our bodies. Regardless of the reason, you realize your desire for sex isn’t present. This is what is normally referred to as desire discrepancy in couples.

            In the most basic definitions, desire discrepancy is when one person in a partnership has less desire in sex compared to their partner. There is nothing wrong with having less desire, in fact it is a natural part of human sexuality. It is common for sexual desire to wax and wane during a relationship as our desire is influenced by what is going on in our everyday life.

            Some of the ways to increase your desire include identifying what has caused your desire to decrease. It is hard to experience sexual desire if you have had some recent life changes or feel stressed. By limiting or decreasing the amount of stress you feel, you may be able to increase your desire. Try to outsource some of your responsibilities or seek help from a trusted individual to find out how to decrease some of your stress. If you recently changed your medication regime, then that can affect your sexual desire. If that’s the case, it may be helpful to speak to your medical provider about seeing what your options are in terms of medication.

            Sometimes relationship concerns can cause desire discrepancy. In that case it would be worthwhile to discuss with your partner what concerns may be present in your relationship and discuss some of the ways in which the concerns can be addressed. It may be helpful to seek out a therapist if you feel that the relationships may need additional support to be resolved.

            It is also possible that you aren’t sure why your desire has decreased. That’s ok! Sometimes its hard for us to identify a cause of desire discrepancy, in which case, it is recommended that you seek an experienced professional so they can help you identify the potential causes of your desire concerns.

Desire discrepancy doesn’t inherently mean that your relationship is doomed. In most cases, desire discrepancy concerns can be resolved with some effort. If you find that you are struggling with desire discrepancy then it is ok. Working with a sex therapist may help you with these desire concerns. If you think you want to see a sex therapist for desire discrepancy, then Growth Therapy, LLC may have a provider who is a fit for you. Reach out for a consultation to see if any of the sex therapists at Growth Therapy, LLC in Connecticut are a good fit!

By Kristen C. Dew, LMFT, CST

As International Trans Week of Visibility wraps up, I am reflecting on our services and am so proud to be the owner of a therapy practice that helps the trans community.

I thought today I would write a post on a couple of really common questions that have been coming up lately. These answers are not thorough, and seeing a therapist who specializes in gender to help with your family’s unique concerns is your best bet for support.

My Child is Saying They are Transgender or Non-binary. What Does That Mean?

At birth everyone is assigned a sex, Male or Female. Assigned Gender or Sex At Birth (AGAB/ASAB) does not always align with how people feel. Sex is biological, and still there is great variation to how biology presents itself- it’s not as straight forward as you may think. Gender on the other hand is a social construct- we are socialized to behave in ways that align with our society’s expectations for what is “male” or “female”. Some folks realize their assigned gender does not fit with who they are, and those people are transgender. You can learn more about transgender identities HERE. Some folks realize that they are both genders, their gender changes, or they do not align with any gender and those people identify somewhere on the Non-Binary spectrum. There are many NBi (Non-Binary) identities such as agender, genderfluid, genderqueer, or bigender and you can learn more HERE at the Non-Binary Wiki page. Gender is very unique to each person, so there is no way to know exactly what it means for your child unless you talk with them compassionately and non-judgmentally.

As a Parent, How do I Respond When My Child Wants to Talk About Their Gender?

First, get support for yourself from someone who understands all of this stuff. It is normal for parents to have a variety of reactions to hearing from their child that they are trans, non-binary, or questioning their gender. You may feel compassion, empathy, warm fuzzies, and closeness from being trusted by your child, but also confusion, uncertainty, frustration, disbelief, fear, or grief. Your child may want to change how they look, their name, and their pronouns. They may change these things more than once. It is certainly a lot to manage as a parent. You are your child’s #1 support team and it could mean a much higher rate of adjustment and well-being for your child if you are able to be affirming and supportive through this process. Tell your child that you love and accept them as they are and affirm how they see themselves by using their chosen name and pronouns. Tell them you will work on being affirming, and talk to your therapist or support group about how you are thinking and feeling.

What if my Child is Just Confused or this is a Phase?

Whether your child is questioning their gender and/or sexuality or seems quite sure of it, it is very important to be supportive and affirming. Research has shown that many LGBTQ* youth know from a young age what their identities are, but are afraid to come out from fear of reactions from others. Many individuals take time to come to understand how they truly feel and who they are, and as they discover more words to describe their identity their language and presentation may change over time. That is perfectly ok and healthy! Trust that your child knows how they feel and figure out how to be supportive. It is very scary to come out and risk not being accepted, which can often be mistaken as confusion or uncertainty. You will never harm your child or mislead them by supporting and affirming them.

Where Can I Get More Information?

• Join a support group for parents, friends, and allies of LGBTQ* people
  • PFLAG Meeting: https://pflag.org/find-a-chapter
  • A Facebook Support Group can be a GREAT resource! Check out Transgender/Parents/Family Support Group or Parents of Transgender Kids
  • Triangle Community Center
  • Growth Therapy is working on a parent support group – check the services page for more information!
• Find a local therapist who can listen and respond to your concerns. Make sure to ask them about their credentials and training with LGBTQ* folks
  • therapyden.com
  • psychologytoday.com
  • zencare.co
  • goodtherapy.org
• Good Websites for Information
  • The Trevor Project
  • TED Talks
• Bibliotherapy!
  • The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals or The Transgender Teen by Stephanie A. Brill and Rachel Pepper
  • The Gender Creative Child by Diane Ehrensaft, PhD

Photos by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

By Kristen C. Dew, LMFT, CST

Today, on the ides of March, I have been reflecting on toxic relationships. Just like Caesar was warned to beware of a relationship that would eventually betray him and lead him to his demise, we can all fall prey to toxic relationships in our lives.

Toxic is definitely a buzz word these days, but what does it mean? Anything that has the potential to become very harmful to your emotional health can become toxic. You might recognize the signs of toxicity in your life by reflecting on a person or situation that is causing you stress:

These are some of the indicators of a toxic relationship that you may choose to end.

If the relationship can be repaired, here are some of my favorite ways that I help people in therapy to dump toxicity:

1. Know Your Role
   • As a therapist sometimes people can absolutely be toxic, but more often there are toxic patterns that we also play into. Think of it like notches on a gear, each nub is a part of the cycle that continues to show up and help the gear turn and stay in motion. How you react and respond is also a part of that cycle. How do you respond to the person or situation?
2. Check in With Yourself
   • Close your eyes and put your hand over your heart. What exactly DO you want from this situation that would alleviate your stress? If you didn’t have to care what anyone else thinks or how anyone else would respond, what are you looking for?
3. Dump Your Toxic Relationship with Yourself
   • Tailor your inner voice to be respectful, kind, and compassionate.
4. Set and Communicate Your Boundaries
   • Yay boundaries! Boundaries are agreements with ourselves that we set and communicate with others, and hold ourselves accountable for following. Boundaries sound like any of the following:

Sometimes change is not possible and you find yourself getting exhausted and hurt with each attempt to de-toxify the relationship. Creating distance, setting rigid boundaries, or cutting that person off completely may be the only choice for your health. In addition, if you are a member of a minority or historically oppressed group such as BIPOC, disabled, or gender/sexual minority, you should never feel obligated to utilize your own emotional resources to educate someone else on their racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic/ablist etc. behavior when they should be doing that on their own.

Contact Growth Therapy today to find a therapist who can help you dump toxic relationships from your life!

Photo by Gursimrat Ganda on Unsplash

by Kristen C. Dew, LMFT

At Growth Therapy in Monroe, CT we focus our talents on helping people struggling with anxiety. Anxiety disorders are easily the most common problem therapists see. This post is part 1 of many blogs about managing anxiety.

Anxiety is everywhere.

America is just primed for anxiety disorders. Some of us work 40+ hours a week, some of us can’t get a job that will pay a living wage, there is political stress, medical stress, financial stress, all of this leads to family and interpersonal conflict, don’t forget there is a global pandemic…. I could go on but I’m sure you get the point. Anxiety is an emotion that can easily feel out of control since its primary job is to keep us safe and the reality is, the world is not always safe.

Your brain on anxiety

Just like all of the organs in our bodies, our brains have a job to do. When it comes to anxiety, brains are built to respond quickly and effectively to stress. We don’t sit around when there is an emergency thinking about what to do, we quickly assess that there is danger and leap into action to keep us safe. This used to be a straight forward thing when the only threats were natural disasters or animal attacks, but now there are many many things our brains see as “threatening” based on our experiences. This means almost every one of us have some situations that cause us to respond quickly and with worry and fear, they keep us up at night wondering what to do, or we try to avoid them at all costs.

Listening to anxiety

Anxiety is hard to manage because it’s a great and helpful emotion! You can’t just tell your brain to stop, that would be like telling your heart not to race when you’re on the edge of a cliff- it’s a primal and necessary response to move you out of danger. It is not in your best interest to shut off your anxiety responses. For the situations that you NEED to do that don’t pose a life threatening risk, you can change anxious responses that are unhelpful to you. This is done by befriending your anxiety and listening to it, validating it, and guiding it to a different response.

Here is what that sounds like and feels like in practice.

____________________________________________________________

*situation occurs, or you are thinking about a situation that might occur*

Body: HEART RACES, PALMS GET SWEATY, RESTLESSNESS, BREATH BECOMES SHALLOW, NAUSEA, HEADACHE, FEELS LIKE SOMEONE IS STANDING ON YOUR CHEST….

(signals of your body in fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode)

Brain: What’s going on? Oh no, it’s that thing again. Remember what happened last time? The FEELINGS will just be unbearable! It will be SO uncomfortable! You’ll be embarrassed. You can’t deal with this AT ALL. Everyone will judge you. You have to get out of this! Run away! Call in sick!

(Symptoms continue to get more intense and uncomfortable with that train of thought. I like to call it the hamster wheel: you’re running and going nowhere).

Body: You might have impulsive actions, rage at someone close to you, expect others to recognize your danger signals and save you, maybe even have a panic attack.

Brain: Ok okok, this is anxiety kicking in, thank you anxiety. I see what you’re trying to do here, getting me away from danger, and I appreciate you. Right now, actually, I don’t need your help getting away. I need to do the thing. I need to relax and then think of what to do next…

_______________________________________________________________

In the example above, the automatic way of thinking at a threatening situation is totally normal if there is an actual threat, like the house is on fire (that means your brain works, yay!). Many of our anxious signals, however, are just trying to avoid the discomfort in our bodies. The only way to move through anxiety is to learn to notice, acknowledge, and relax the body feelings of anxiety and tell your brain a different story.

To be continued…

Photo by mwangi gatheca on Unsplash

by Kristen C. Dew, LMFT

According to a quick google search, most of us spend over 5 hours a day on our smartphones and check them around 63 times per day (Deyan G., techjury.net, 7/2020). It only makes sense to add a few apps that can improve your health and relationships! The apple or android store produces hundreds of results for anxiety apps. Here are a few of my personal favorites.

Superbetter – Free – This app is great for gamers and anyone who feels fulfillment from achievements. You choose your goals, which include friendships, health, and well-being, then it gives you quests to level up IRL! A very fun way to self-improve.

SAM (Stress and Anxiety Management) – Free – SAM helps you to learn your triggers and find evidence-based coping skills that can help you feel better in the moment. Download this app if you can see yourself feeling stressed or anxious and seeking real-time help while struggling since they have a crisis assistant (SOS).

PTSD Coach – Free – This one was created by the VA to help veterans, but is a great app for anyone working through past traumatic or super stressful experiences. The app includes a good amount of psychoeducation, or how to understand how trauma impacts you as FAQs, and offers well-known helpful coping skills including seeking professional help, crisis management, distraction techniques, visualization, grounding, and more.

Calm – Free Trial / Subscription – The Calm app is a great way to ease into a meditation or mindfulness practice. Mindfulness and meditation have shown to improve anxiety, depression, trauma, and focus when practiced regularly. Most of us have trouble just turning off our brains, luckily Calm offers guided meditations at all different skill levels and specific meditations for all types of struggles such as anger, focus, stress, food, and more.

Mindshift – free – Mindshift uses CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) techniques, which are widely regarded as first line treatment for most anxiety and depression, to help you learn and practice coping skills. The app offers small steps, coping skills, helpful reframes of your thinking, and feelings identification and tracking.

Gottman Card Decks – free – This app was created by The Gottman Institute, who are lead researchers in the field of what makes marriages successful. These cards can help you in your relationships by learning more about each other and starting difficult conversations that can improve your interactions and intimacy.

Alarm Clock App – Your phone’s included alarm clock likely has a function to set a daily or weekly alert and to edit what pops up on your screen. Many of my clients have found it helpful to set an alert to practice self-care, remember important tasks, do something nice for a partner, or to have a relationship check-in conversation.

All of these apps can be helpful when combined with therapy as well. It can keep you on track to practice skills you have learned during sessions with your therapist or to track instances of depression/anxiety/conflict and what triggered them to discuss later with your therapist.

Do you have a favorite app that helps you to manage your mental health?

References:

https://techjury.net/blog/how-much-time-does-the-average-american-spend-on-their-phone/#gref

Links to apps

Photo by Meghan Schiereck on Unsplash